Note: I used the name "Ann" in place of my friends name for confidentiality reasons.
I’m going to start with a quote that perfectly summarizes the chapter we used in this discussion's topic. “There are two main reasons why we form relationships, attraction and intimacy. There are many different reasons why we would be attracted to someone. For example, appearance, similarity and complementary, reciprocal attraction, competence, disclosure, and proximity are all reasons for our attraction to other people. Examples like dimensions, masculinity and femininity, cultures and limits are all things that affect intimacy.” (Schmitt, 2012). I’d like to mention that attraction and intimacy don’t need to happen only in a romantic relationship. The relationship I’m focusing on is a friendship that has influenced my life and helped me gain confidence in who I am as a person.
Upon reading the chapter I realized I needed to figure out why I'd formed this particular relationship. Trying to figure out why I formed my friendship Ann definitely took me back to when I met her. I was still in high school, and due to chronic back pain, I went to her for massages about once a month. During something like a massage, you are vulnerable in a way you aren’t usually. There is a lot of touch going on which tends to make people very open. Your body both hurts and is relaxing. I was more open than I probably normally would have been. I was shy, nervous, and anxious far more then than I am now. Due to my being more open I found that Ann and I had plenty of things in common.
My relationship with Ann is based on more than one thing mentioned in the textbook. In fact, it started due to multiple factors. Similarity, disclosure, proximity, competence, and complementarity as the textbook lists them. Each of these played a key factor in the growth of my friendship with her. It helped that she was an adult who wouldn’t judge me, whom I could trust, and who didn’t think any of my reasons for things were silly. (Alder, Winder, Rosenfeld, & Proctor II, 2020)The textbook discusses communication styles and personality traits which were definitely things Ann and I had (and still have) in common. She and I had similarities in our struggles with mental illness. We both disclosed a lot to each other over the years. She was and is a competent woman, self-employed, and doing many things she loves. It has definitely helped at she and I are physically near each other and have met often over the years. (Alder, Winder, Rosenfeld, & Proctor II, 2020)
As I grew and learned more about myself, and many other things I found there was more to it than what we had in common, what we had told each other, or anything else mentioned in the textbook. While listening to a TED Talk I learned more on why my relationship, my friendship, with Ann meant so much to me. Brene Brown discusses her research “…where I started was with connection. Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years, what you realize is that connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it's all about. It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice, mental health and abuse and neglect, what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is -- neurobiologically that's how we're wired -- it's why we're here.” (Brene Brown The Power Of Vulnerability, 2010)
During that TED Talk Brene Brown discusses vulnerability. “… To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee…” (Brene Brown The Power Of Vulnerability, 2010). Ann was someone I could be myself around at the very vulnerable age of 17 and continue to as I myself changed and grew. I was never expected to stay as I had been when I met her. I was expected to change and grow. Due to this I was able to continue to be open and vulnerable, to be exactly who I was at the moment, whatever that meant for that day, week, month, or year. That is why my relationship, my friendship with Ann has become so dear, so powerful, and so important to me. For when you find someone you feel safe being vulnerable to the point of being you without filters, you learn to love who you are. You learn that being imperfect, being flawed, being you, is something beautiful and something to treasure. I have learned that relationships of any kind where you can freely be yourself are precious and rare.
References
Alder, R. B., Winder, C., Rosenfeld, L. B., & Proctor II, R. F. (2020). Interplay Fifth Canadian Edition. Oxford.
Brene Brown The Power Of Vulnerability. (2010, June). Retrieved from TED: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability/transcript?language=en
Schmitt, C. (2012, May 24). Why We Form Relationships. Retrieved from Courtney's e-folio: https://sites.google.com/site/courtneysefolio/8-why-we-form-relationships
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